My date with the New Yorker

Years ago a friend of mine and I discussed writing a book on our dating life. We never did. I have been on some very interesting and unusual dates. So I decided to write a blog about my dates and it will begin with my date tonight with the New Yorker (and if you know me that is what he will forever be known as...well after today just until the end of this blog). Now he is not one of the Wall Street New Yorkers.....he is more of the Bronx hat on side ways street wise New Yorkers.

First let me explain to you where I met New Yorker because that is the first question you will ask "where the hell did she meet this 'winner'". I was out with my friend Allison at Green Iguana on Dale Mabry. We were sitting at the bar drinking our last drink when this guy sends me over a drink. I thanked him and he moved on. Just as I was finishing that drink he sent over another one. I thanked him again and told him he should come over and talk with us. He made some comment and went to the outside bar. I quickly drank my drink and left before he sent me another one. As we were leaving this is when he decides to come talk to us......in the parking lot (first hint that I should have run screaming to my car). His excuse for not coming to talk to us: he was afraid of Allison because she wasn't drinking. Wah...huh? However, we exchanged numbers and went on our way.

We talked a few times over the next week. We work different schedules so it was hard to meet up. (hint number two!!!!) He called me today to ask me "where's happy owwa?" I wasn't going to meet up with him but decided what the heck. I met him at his place. He starts his car to cool it off for me. He wants to go to some bar called Peabody's "by the other university." Well the "other university" to me means University of Tampa since that is the small private college and USF is the big school. It was actually by USF. I told him I wasn't going to drink since I had work to do when I got home. By the end of the date I am soooooo glad we didn't go all the way across town.

We decided to go to a new bar on Dale Mabry called Brick House. He opens the car door for me and I am thinking "how chivalrous maybe this won't be so bad." The cooling of his car didn't work because my side was blazing hot.....oh wait all the vents are closed. He turns up the music so loud my heart didn't need to beat on its own any more. Of course he is trying to talk to me. He pulls into the parking lot of the bar/restaurant and drives all around the empty lot looking for a parking space closest to the door however he ends up parking at one of the furthest spaces. He sits idling in the parking lot playing with his iPod. Uhm...hello....it is hot as hell in here.....can we get out?

We sit at a table that has sofas for chairs. He pulls out his sofa half way in the walkway for the servers. On the way over when he finally turned the music down he told me he wasn't going to eat because he already ate. Well, I guess in the 5 minute drive over he worked up an appetite. He orders a large beer (enough for two people even though he knows I am not drinking). Then he orders a salad and I order some soft pretzels with a diet coke. Which he ate half of also.

As we are waiting for our drinks he says "the waitresses are dressed like street trash" but that didn't stop him from blatantly staring at them like he has been in a prison cell for the past 10 years (who knows he might have been). They are wearing daisy duke shorts and mid drift tanks or tees....not too bad. He interrupts every time I am talking. He changes the subject randomly. He leans back in his sofa seat like he is at home. When he gets his beer he drinks a glass and a half then decides it tastes like crap and wants something different. The waitress is so nice and accommodating.

Our food arrives and he gets his salad just the way he wants it. He takes bites, chews twice then swallows. With every bite that goes in he wears most of it on his mouth. Half way through his salad he leans back again, sucks his teeth to get the lettuce out. Then he sits up, takes his napkin and wipes his teeth....yes his teeth! He did the same thing several times after he finished his salad. His teeth....seriously?

He keeps telling me that I am very defensive. Defensive? What? Just because I called you out for looking down my top? He kept asking me who did this to me. I don't feel like I was defensive. I was trying to have a conversation.

In his stories to me (which I listened to and didn't interrupt him once) he tells me about this girl who touched his face or something as if to slap him. He was very upset that she did that so he said he grabbed her thumb and told her never to do that again. He showed me how he grabbed her.....with his knuckle pressed in the joint of her thumb. It hurt like hell and he didn't use full force on me. I was shocked he would do that to a woman. (the biggest hint of all and I was listening up now)

The more he drank the more of a douche bag he became. Thankfully, he didn't drink all of his beer that was delivered to the table. He kept saying I couldn't be Puerto Rican. He asked me my last name so I told him. He kept correcting the pronunciation of MY last name. MY LAST NAME! I told him I am 42 and should know how to say my name. Well it was time to leave at this point. I told myself I was going to have to go back and give that waitress a bigger tip because I think he was a cheap ass.

We walk to his car and he leans in to kiss me with his mouth open. I backed up because it looked like he was trying to eat my face.....he just turned into Hanibal Lector....I wasn't carrying any fava beans or Chianti in my purse. He tells me he needs to go to Wal-Mart to drop off a DVD at the Red Box.

He pulls out in front of 3 cars zipping across Dale Mabry to make a u-turn. He turns into the Wal Mart parking lot on two wheels....at least it feels that way. He drives through the parking lot like there are no other cars. He yells at every pedestrian. "What the f*ck you looking at n*gger?" "Get the hell out of the way you stupid ass mutha f*cka." "Stoopid b*tch!" He drives around looking for a parking space. Dude this is Wal-Mart....you don't find close parking spaces. I told him to park in the fire lane and I would wait in the car for him.....you're just dropping off a freakin movie. He wasn't down with that. He starts going down the wrong way on a one way isle. He backs up and hits a orange barrier barrel. He hesitates for a minute so this woman thinks he is giving her the right away and starts to pull forward. Oh no! He is not giving her the right away he just wanted to mess with her head apparently. He hits the gas and stops his car an inch from her bumper...."what the f*ck you doing b*tch....why would you pull forward when you see I'm trying to turn around?"

*Deep breath* because here we go again for another trip around the parking lot. There is not a soul in the fire lane and again I suggest he park there while I wait in the car. He said he has tried that before and they told him to move his car. Uh yeah....you were alone jackhole! I will be in the car. So what does he do.......he parks his car behind 4 other cars. Yeah that makes sense.

Now for the drive home. Back through the parking lot and a lot more name calling. While at the stop light he grabs a cigarette butt in his ash tray and tries to sneakily light it. Hello! We are in a car....I'm gonna see and smell it stupid! To my shock he got on the interstate to get back to his place (which he did not need to do at all). I immediately started praying to anything holy to let me survive this because I know this is not going to be a good mile on the interstate. Rap/Hip Hop music blaring he zips into traffic; weaves between these two cars. He wants to change lanes and rides on the line for a few yards until he realizes the car in the new lane is driving too slow....so he zips back into the original lane. There is a line of cars and the exit is right in front of us. He changes lanes at an entrance ramp. He cuts off cars then has to slam on his breaks so as not to hit the car in front of him. Forget all the holy things.....I yell "you are scaring the sh*t out of me can you please slow the f*ck down!!!!!! I swear if I survive this ride I will never get in the car with you again."

He was offended that I yelled and said I wouldn't get back in the car with him. He gave praises to his driving record. I told him you changed lanes and cut off cars getting on the interstate. He defended himself by saying "I turned on my blinker which I never do....so what's your deal?" Seriously???? The blinker is supposed to make a difference that you almost took out 3 cars??? That would have been a great excuse to the families of the people he might have killed. "Sorry about your loss but I had my blinker on."

So then to be even more of a douche and prove his point of why he needs to drive fast and crazy he pulls into the parking lot so slow we almost got hit by cars coming down Westshore.

I literally was shaking by the time I got of his car. He walks away and fires up the cigarette butt. I told him "If I still smoked I would need a cigarette after that car ride too." He comes over to me kisses me on the cheek tells me "I would like to kiss you more but I shouldn't have drank all that beer because I need to take a dump." With that it was time for me to get in my car and put this date in my past.

God you have to love my life! I wish I could say this was the worst of my dates....however it was the scariest.